Sleeping Beauty: Baby G's first year of Zzzzzs...

I don't think I ever realized exactly how much I adore my sleep until I had to give it up for a few months.

Nearly everyone, upon finding out you're pregnant, will start in on the horror stories of how little sleep you're about to have once your bundle arrives. Well... duh. That's wasn't any sort of new information to me. I've watched enough sit-coms in my day to realize I would soon be mistaken for the walking dead when Baby G made her debut. But honestly, as much as I knew what was coming down the pipe sleep-wise for us, I was in no way prepared to actually experience it.

In the hospital I had planned on having Baby G room with me so I could be beside her constantly. When the hubby was unable to sleep comfortably in the camp hide-a-way style bed they had in the maternity suite and, instead, had to go home each night, we had to change our in-room plans and have Baby G go back to the nursery each night (as I had a C-section and couldn't get up and down repeatedly to tend to Baby G alone). So, for the first couple of nights after Baby G was born I actually got decent sleep in the hospital (special thanks to my friend Percocet!).

I love you so much, you tiny white god-send!

We decided early on that Baby G would sleep in a bassinet next to my side of the bed for the first few months as her bedroom was clear on the other side of the house and we knew we would be up regularly for feedings/diaper changes. Plus, it made me feel better knowing I could roll over to my left side and check on my baby whenever I wanted to. I figured I would sleep like a lamb if she was right beside me and I knew she was safe. The night we took Baby G home with us we were such nervous parents (Ugh... screw you SIDS!) that neither of us really slept... at all. I was up all night, my hubby was probably only asleep for an hour or two. I'm not sure exactly how many times I popped my head up to check on Baby G between feedings, but I'm pretty sure I managed to complete roughly 1,000 sit-ups for the first time in my life that night.

Totally looked like this, too... exactly like this.

Thankfully, the hubs and I got our act together and realized we couldn't go on no sleep for more than about 3 days. We started chilling out and doing our best to sleep between the "every two hour" feedings as much as we could, but it was so hard to get sleep when Baby G was so restless and completely resistant to swaddling to keep those arms under control. I'd swaddle her, she'd break free and smack herself awake, I'd reswaddle her, she'd punch through the swaddle and smack herself back awake (rinse and repeat roughly eleventy-billion times).

Like this except picture the blood-stained shirt as a swaddle blanket and the horrible alien baby as an adorable baby fist.

Much of the first few months of Baby G's life is still a complete blur to me as I was out of my mind with exhaustion from never getting more than 2-3 hours at a time of quality sleep. Couple the brief periods of sleep with my ever-increasing inability to STAY asleep if anything louder than the fluttering wings of a butterfly flapping from a block away roused me from sleep, and I became a shell of a human being. Nothing, I repeat nothing prepares you for chronic lack of sleep until you actually find yourself in that situation. I was also unprepared for the thousands of times I would wake up to every tiny little sound/move she made and how this would later set the tone for this sleep pattern even after she was moved down the hall to her room.

About 6 weeks in I read a book that would absolutely save our lives: The Happiest Baby on the Block. Not only did this book help with Baby G's awake hours (which were pretty rough due to her acid reflux and colic), but it renewed my resolve to figure out a way to swaddle that baby so she couldn't escape so cleverly. Enter: The Miracle Blanket! OMGOMGOMGOMG... best invention EVER! The first night we used this glory of modern science, that little girl slept for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT! When I woke up and realized how long she had been asleep, I sort of freaked out thinking something was wrong. Isn't it amazing how something as great as 5 glorious hours of uninterrupted sleep in the first few months MUST mean something is wrong?? She was fine, of course and 5 hour stints of sleep became a much more regular occurrence in the house. The Miracle Blanket was also such an awesome sleep cue that we could literally wrap up a completely awake baby, lay her down, and she would be out like a light in under a minute. I cannot praise this invention enough!

Eventually, Baby G just got too darned big for the Miracle Blankets. She was also getting too darned big for her little bassinet. It was getting closer to the time where we needed to ween her off of the blanket and also move her into her room in her crib. We started with just one thing, the blanket. I didn't want to completely overwhelm her with too many changes at once, but the crib/own room move came pretty quickly after because Baby G had a habit of lifting her legs up in the air and slamming them down in her bassinet over and over and over again. I called it, "the mermaid" and while she was able to sleep through it, I was not.

Once we made the decision to move her, I felt a lot of sadness. I liked having my baby so close to me at night. I liked hearing her breathe softly and I liked her little sleep sighs. It was probably way harder on me to move her to her own room than it was on her. To make me feel better, I decided I would sleep in her room with her, on the floor, for the first few nights as she made the transition to her crib. It was rough for about a week or so, but she finally started sleeping for longer periods of time again. Sadly, to get her to sleep in her crib we had to hold her until she fell asleep and then, with cat-like ninja reflexes, deposit her into the crib. If we failed, she wailed. Baby G went from a baby who would fall right asleep with the Miracle Blanket to a baby who would take up to an hour to get to sleep each night. Then, when she woke up for her middle of the night feeding, it would start all over again. We started feeling the sleep deprivation again and realized it was time to do something different because we weren't doing ourselves or Baby G any favors with the status quo.

I had been opposed to any sort of Cry It Out methods from before Baby G was even born. It never made sense to me to let my baby wail on for hours and hours if there was something I could do to nurture her and help her. I honestly don't believe babies are manipulative and get "spoiled" by your attention, but I do believe some positive attention can help reassure them that you are there for them when you are trying to get them to do something new. I started doing some research and read up on the Ferber Method. I thought it was worth a try because while it employed a few of the Cry It Out (CIO) methods, it did not just leave the baby to cry for hours at a time with no intervention. It offered a positive way to reassure while teaching sleep independence.

I knew the first week of Ferberization would be rough, but I figured it would benefit all of us in the long-run. I couldn't have been more right! Not only did Baby G never really spend much of her CIO time actually crying (more like Babble It Out), but within a week we were able to put her down still awake and have her put herself to sleep in under 10 minutes. Bedtime went from a 1 hour + commitment to a 10-15 minute painless event. Baby G also started to learn how to put herself back to sleep if she woke up accidentally, which required no intervention on our end. This led to better sleep for all of us in the long run.

Currently, Baby G is one year old and goes to bed around 7:30 each evening. Her routine includes putting her night-night diaper on, getting lotioned up with the nighttime lotion, putting on her PJs, brushing her teeth, taking her medi (medicine), saying goodnight to all of her stuffed animals (one by one), getting one last bottle (in the dark with her Constellation Turtle on), getting her bedtime binky, then putting her down (still awake) in her crib with her Pony Lovey (a soft towel-like toy with a pony head and tail). She is usually put down on her back and before I can leave the room, she grabs Pony Lovey and rolls into a corner of the crib, face down. Sometimes she babbles for a bit before she succumbs to sleep, but most of the time she's just... out. She sleeps until around 5:00 or 6:00 am when she wakes up wanting a bottle (hungry, thirsty, just wants a little attention? Not sure of her motivations, but we oblige them), then she gets put back down for another hour or two of sleep. She usually wakes up around 8:00 or so for the day. Baby G gets good sleep, we get good sleep, it's a win-win situation!

Eventually Baby G will get her crib transformed into a big-girl toddler bed (where she will have the ability to get out of her bed bringing a whole new realm of adventures), then again into a big-girl actual bed, and eventually she will become a teenager and getting her to go to bed before 1:00 am and then dragging her out of bed the following morning will be a near impossibility, but for now... we ALL rest and it is superb!

A year in Facebook updates

As our first wonderful year draws to an end, I would like to look back on a year's worth of Facebook updates about you. Since I didn't start this blog until most of the way through your first year, this will give you some insight into my thoughts during the early days of your life. Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order! (With actual names changed because, you know, this is the internet and all)

February 2011:

*Pleased to announce the birth of Baby G, a healthy, happy 8lb/8oz. baby girl!

*I'm awake with the baby while dad gets about 20 min of sleep. Seriously. :( Turns out, we're ill-prepared for parenthood AND paranoid on top of that. Team P. has to pull itself together, man...

*Also... pretty sure the baby is now barking in her sleep. The dogs have already been a bad influence, it seems.

*Despite the insanity, thanks to EVERYONE for your good wishes and happy thoughts! We've appreciated the outpouring of love from all of the awesome people in our lives and even when we're pulling out hair out, we love the hell outta that behbeh. :)

*Ewww... I'm THAT mom already! I almost saved Baby G's first booger to show her dad when he gets home. To my defense, that booger was HUGE and kind of fascinating. You should be glad I didn't post pics.

March 2011:

*Mama is so on the ball that she JUST NOW ordered Baby G's birth announcements... and she's 6 weeks old! Oh well, it gave me more time to take a ton of super cute pictures to choose from. :)

*Last night's sleep can best be summed up by posting the score: Mama: 0, Dad: .001, Baby: Infinity

*Our tiny little progeny seems to be coming online right before our eyes! Prior to last week she was sort of an adorable human shell, but since last Wednesday (or so) she has started smiling AT us and offering eye contact! She's pretty awesome. :)

*(At the risk of sounding like one of those parents who thinks that everyone should buy something just because it worked for me...) I have two words: Miracle Blanket! My swaddle-resistant baby had the best sleep since she came home from the hospital and, therefore, so did I! That things is GENIUS!

*Not having the best first day back at work. :( Moral of the story: Even when I think I've taken care of everything, I haven't.

April 2011:

*Reading stories about sick/dying children always made me sad, but since becoming a parent I cannot even think about that happening without shedding tears. It sounds so cliche to say, but I've never loved as strongly and fully as I do now. I can't imagine my life without her now that she's here.

*I'm going to start leaving stuff at home "accidentally" more often if it means I get to see my completely adorable baby and dashingly handsome husband mid-day, every day! #highlightofmydaysofar

*Two months ago today I gave birth to an awesome little behbeh! It has been the craziest two months of my life! Happy 2nd month of existence, Baby G!

*If the kiddo is in a good mood after picking her up from daycare, I might take her to the park. Anyone up for some baby pit-fights in the park? Bring your baby and your A-game and LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!! (ETA: I didn't actually engage in baby pit fights... more than 5 times.)

May 2011:

*Grumpy baby, I cast a +2 nap-of-nearly-3-hours spell against you! Will I defeat you? Let's wake you up and find out...

*Squalling baby hit back with a +1,000,000 "screw your nearly 3 hour nap" potion rendering all other players in the dungeon terribly incapacitated from the horror. THE HORROR!!!!

*First tornado warning with the baby... Stressful!

*Going to bed when it is still light put? Yep. Thanks baby! :)

*Awesome: It's my baby's 3 month birthday today! Happy 3 months, Baby G! Not awesome: It's day one of being serious about dropping the baby weight. Pretend I'm a caged animal at the zoo and don't feed me. Here we go again.

*Had a lovely evening last night with Cash's mom while the boys went on a man-date to see Thor. After getting home and doing the nightly routine by myself I have come to the realization that I would NEVER cut it as a single mother! To those of you who have done it, you have my admiration!

*I know it's a cheesy TV show, but I'm not gonna lie... the Buffy episode where the demon is going to eat the babies bothers me. Ugh... I'm that humorless parent who can't separate my life from fiction anymore. Damn!

June 2011

*Grrr.... this day knows I want to be home with my family so it's punishing me by being so unbearably long and pointless. Yeah, well screw you, too THURSDAY!

*Worst night of sleep since Baby G was a newborn. :( Set "mood" to bad.

*Baby immunizations are as fun as a brick to mommy's face! Ugh...

*3 hour nap!!!! The one good thing about baby immunizations? Perhaps! I feel better, anyway!

*Just wanted to get a jump start on the Father's Day goodness by saying that my hubby is a fabulous father! Baby G hit the daddy jackpot and I think she already knows it if her large toothless grins upon seeing his face are any indication. :)

*You know what, here's a big "Screw You" to the people who don't consider it "giving birth" if you had a C-section. I wanted nothing more than to naturally birth my child without medical intervention but it would have likely killed Baby G and/or me to do so. I still gave birth to her, though. How dare anyone say such hurtful things to any woman about their birth experience? People are CRAZY dumb sometimes. For real.

*Oh sad coughing baby... it hurts my heart to hear you hacking away. :(

*Baby milestone: Baby G gave her dad her first pity-laugh today. She laughed but didn't smile at all at something he said.

*Hubby and I both seem to have forms of the stomach flu. Baby G doesn't have it too badly, but there are signs. How do parents take care of a baby when they are both dying???

*The behbeh rolled from her tummy to her back unassisted TWICE this weekend! Just because it happened after about 10 times of assistance means nothing... she's AWESOME!! *air guitar and rock horns*

*I always said I would never put my baby in any sort of beauty pageant/cuteness contest but I'm not going to lie... it would be easier to keep that vow if she weren't so damned adorable all the time. Still... going to resist... (unless some really awesome prize is attached because then all bets are off, baby! Mama needs a new car!)

July 2011

*Hubby is trying to put the baby to sleep... Poor Hubby. :( She is a tough nut to crack so I'm making him practice doing it. Meanest wife ever? Probably so! Go the eff to sleep, Baby G!

*Baby G just said mama! Granted, it was in her sleep and she wanted her binky and may even think the binky is her mama at this point... But I don't care!! I heard mama!! Woot!!

*Awww... little baby bear has a fever this morning. :( I hope it is all related to teething (she has the drool and the "OMG I'm gonna gnaw on your face/fingers/arms/the cat and dogs" thing going on) but I worry, of course. I wish she were more dexterous so she could hold her teethers more successfully!! Get some coordination, kiddo!

*At the ER with Baby G . :( Bad temperature spikes and possible seizure terrified her dad and I! She has had some shots and bloodwork and we hope we get to take her home soon. Rough night for all of us. :(

*Baby bear is feeling much better! Her temp went down to reasonable levels and we are back at home headed to bed. Glad this night is over!

*I feel like some sort of baby whisperer after managing to get Baby G to sleep on the FIRST TRY last night! It was the third night of her transition to her crib and so far I think we're winning the fight. I even got a chance to dream last night! It would be perfect if we had some sort of comfy bed for US in that room, but it's so small in there we have to rely on futon mattresses on the floor. My back! :(

*How does one deal with a baby who hates being swaddled but also hates NOT being swaddled? A very tired set of parents are dying to know the answer to this question. :(

*Greeeeeat... The fireworks in the cul-de-sac behind us have started. Baby is trying to sleep and fireworks are illegal in Lawrence. Time to be a dick and tell them to knock it off?

*WAS THAT A FIREWORK??? NEIGHBOR, I WILL END YOU IF YOU WAKE THIS BABY!!!

*We were going to live and let live with the fireworks until the mortars started going off 20 yards from the bedroom window. I don't think so, sir.

*My least favorite game to play with the baby is a little thing I like to call "poop or fart?" I'm guessing I don't need to explain the rules to you.

*Had the pleasure of feasting my eyes on the infant wear section at Spencer Gifts in West Ridge Mall this weekend. Never have I seen so many references to "titties" or so many uses of the word "fuck" on clothing meant for >1 year olds. Keep it classy, y'all.

August 2011

*Ok, now that I'm done griping about technology... I'm so excited that Baby G slept ALL NIGHT LONG last night. Not just 5 hours, not just 'easy to put back down when I went in there', but slept (without any intervention on my part) from 9:00 last night until 6:00 this morning! There are no words to explain how much we all needed that sleep! Can we make it happen again tonight??? *fingers crossed*

*Boy, I was NOT expecting that sort of reaction from Baby G 's 6 month immunizations. Fever, pain, discomfort, restlessness... Ugh. It made for a very long night in our household. THEN, on top of all of that another big storm??? Thankfully, Baby G was finally asleep when it rolled through and she's a champ at sleeping through insane weather.

*Sooooo..... Anyone want to help a crippled mama pick up her baby from daycare and babysit both of us until her dad gets home around 7:30 Wednesday? Sprained knee means I can't really care for her by myself until I don't need the crutches. :(

*Terrifying moments last night when Baby G 's motion sensor monitor alarm went off around 3:00 am. We have the Angelcare Monitor. It comes with a motion sensor that goes under her crib mattress and it is sensitive enough to detect her breathing. The alarm goes off after 20 seconds of no detectable movement/breathing.

*Oh boy! Baby G has the start of an emerging tooth! Bring on those chompers!

September 2011

*Baby G has a cold. Unlike last time, however, she has developed a strong phobia of the nose-sucky bulb. :( I know I could help her, but she won't let me. So sad and frustrating! I'm using the saline spray and humidifier instead.

*So... it appears we have been asked to find a new day care because of various issues. I'm pretty stressed about it because I'm really sad to drop Baby G off at a new day care when I know she will freak out. Don't get me wrong, we were considering leaving for some place closer anyway, but Baby G is having some stranger-danger stuff and a new place seems really stressful for her. Anyone else have this happen to them? How did your infant react to it?

*Our temporary day care has now become our permanent day care! I'm switching my work days around so Baby G can legally stay at her new daycare (which, I may say, has been FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC thus far!) Consider me totally relieved! I'm glad Baby G has made such a great impression and glad that she is so happy! Mama can breathe again! :)

*Neighbor dogs... You shut up right now!!! Wake my baby and I will make rugs out of all of you!!!

*Here's how my night went without Advil PM: *Go to bed around 10:00. *Still awake at 10:30 when baby cries out in her sleep. Soothe baby, back in bed by 10:45. *Finally get to sleep somewhere around 12:30. *12:50 baby cries out in her sleep. *Soothe baby, back in bed by 1:00. *Finally get to sleep somewhere around 2:00. *4:45 baby cries out. Wants diaper change and feeding. *Take care of baby, put her back down, back in bed by 5:15. *Lay in bed not sleeping until alarm goes off at 6:00.

*Advil PM did a "Kool Aid man" to my insomnia wall last night. Sadly, I'm pretty sure the wall will be rebuilt before tonight and I have to be alert when my Baby G -alarm goes off. How cruel is it to suffer from insomnia when you have an infant and you need to take every possible chance to catch some sleep? I think I need to chant the Serenity Prayer or "Om" or SOMETHING today. I need some peace in my thunderstorm-filled brain.

*Weird question for parents (especially moms) on my FL: Do you ever have times where you are irrationally worried/concerned/anxious about your child? Like, for no reason other than you have a weird/uneasy feeling, you just wish you had your kiddo with you at that exact moment. I'm having one of those days, but this one is harder than the others I've had. Lack of sleep, maybe? I'm feeling teary-eyed today... :(

*Anyone want to come hold a baby while I vacuum the house? I have the only baby ever who hates the vacuum!

October 2011

*I realized this weekend how much of my mental processes are devoted to hoping and praying my child is being good for her day care provider and her various babysitters. Yet again I must apologize to my parents for something that never even occurred to me until I became a parent.

*You guys... Have I mentioned lately how rad my baby is? Because, yeah... That kid has all the Pokemons and a bag of chips. Truth!

*I miss my baby today. :(

*Happy 8-month birthday to the coolest baby in the history of cool babies... Baby G ! Happy 1 month birthday to the mop of fuzzy hair on top of her head! :)

*Sometimes I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of being a parent. Holy crap! I'm responsible for the proper upbringing of a tiny human! Who in their right mind thought that was a good idea?? :)

November 2011

*Oy... that car seat I just bought better do the dishes, make dinner, fold my laundry, and make a mean mango smoothie for what I just paid! What? It just sits in the car all the time doing nothing but protecting my child from all of the terrible drivers in Lawrence? I guess I'll allow it. :)

*I just know someday science is going to uncover the shocking truth behind those GIGANTIC flower bows people put on their baby girls... they cause forehead CANCER! Baby G will be so pleased that her daddy and I thought they were ridiculous and never put them on her as a baby. You're welcome, Future Baby G !

*In the course of a few days my fuzzy-headed baby with the "sticks straight up" hair has grown up before my eyes. Her hair now lays down "properly" making her look much more grown-up and it makes me a bit sad. Goodbye, fuzzy-headed baby with the insane hair! I'll miss you! Hello sleek-haired baby! You are pretty darned adorable, too. :)

*Now that Baby G is nearly 10 months old I should probably finish that huge cross stitch I got 99% of the way finished before she was born. It is for her nursery, after all. #procrastination (ETA: I still haven't finished it...)

*How can you tell I'm serious about my daughter's musical education? The keyboard I wanted to get for her as her "intro piano" is now completely off the list regardless of the cuteness simply because the reviews say two of the instrument options are a half step flat compared to the other instrument options. I will NOT have my kid thinking middle C is actually B flat when it comes to real piano lessons one day. As one of the reviewers said, music is a language! I wouldn't buy a toy that mispronounced a bunch of words and hand it to my kid. Also, apparently this keyboard only plays two notes at once. You can't do a proper chord with only two notes! Back to the drawing board.

*I am so very very thankful for my husband and my baby girl. I don't have a ton of money. I don't drive a fancy car. I don't live in a huge house. However, I have everything I need and will ever need as long as I have my hubby and Baby G .

*It hurts my heart to think of raising my smart, beautiful, amazing, and, awesome daughter in a world where other kids (and sometimes even parents!!!) are chomping at the bit to tell her otherwise. Parents MUST teach their children it is NEVER okay to taunt, tease, threaten, or physically/emotionally damage other children! Good grief, these are KIDS who are KILLING THEMSELVES!! It's more than getting caught up in the drama of jr. high and high school. This is insanity and it must be stopped.

*Baby G appears to be ready for size 4 diapers. Who told my baby it was okay for her to grow up so quickly??

*Happy 9 month birthday to my beautiful fuzz-head, Baby G ! She's been out of me as long as she was in me! Insane!

*On this day, 4 years ago, I married the most adorable, passionate, witty, intelligent, and all-around awesome hubby any girl could ask for! He's seen me at my best, my worst, and everywhere in between and STILL loves me unconditionally! He's my best friend, my love, my sounding board, my balance, and the best father I could ever have dreamed for my baby girl. I am grateful he asked me to marry him and thankful I get to spend the rest of my life with him! I love you so much!

*It does my heart good on Thursdays to know that my baby girl is getting quality daddy-daughter time. I miss them terribly while I'm at work, but some little girls never get that opportunity to hang out with just their dads like that. It's really important time and we're lucky that he gets the chance to do it. :)

December 2011

*Only two months until Baby G 's 1st birthday! The party planner in me is SUPER excited! I've already started designing her party AND started putting decorations together. Yes, I realize she won't remember a lick of of it, but that's what cameras and baby books are for! This kid is getting an awesome party AND the adults who come are sure to have a good time, too! *party pose*

*Since our day care is closed over the week after Christmas break, I assume others are as well. Do any other "temporary stay-at-home-moms" want to get together for play dates? I know my kid is going to get SICK of hanging out with JUST mom so I need to find some play date/group opportunities or she'll go nuts! Have car, will travel (reasonable distance, of course!)

January 2012

*When the baby is away, the hubby and I will play..... The House cleaning game. It isn't as exciting as it sounds, trust me.

*Typical Thursday... my hubby and my behbeh are hanging out together and I'm sitting at work wishing I was hanging out, too. Blah... :(

*It makes me equally parts pleased with myself and saddened by my addiction when I consider everything I've done to document Baby G 's first year of life. Can I keep this up over the long-haul? I really hope so! Also, I need to win the lottery to continue feeding this addiction because even with the awesome deals I get I know I spend more money than I should on this stuff.

*Yesterday was a pretty insane day. Baby G took several steps (5 at once was her personal best!) and then around bedtime as we were zipping up her jammies we discovered one of her thighs was significantly larger than the other one. It was really weird. I did the worst possible thing and Googled the possibilities only to discover there are some extremely scary things that can cause such a thing to happen. We called the on-call Dr. who recommended we bring her in to get checked and to get X-rays, if necessary. I freaked out thinking this would be my worst nightmare come true; finding out my baby has something wrong with her. This morning I went in to wake her up and check on her. Her thighs were mostly the same size again. You can still see the right one is a bit chunkier, but the massive size difference had diminished. We're going to see if it happens again tonight to see if there is a pattern. I'm just hoping we maybe had her diaper cinched tighter on that side or something like that. This is the part of motherhood I really suck at. I'm such a worrier when it comes to her health.

*No bigs... My baby just took her first steps today. (omgomgomg... Not ready for this!!!)

*Awww, best surprise ever! I just got an awesome office visit from my beh-beh and my hubby! Makes the rest of the day seem like cake. :)

February 2012 (So far... will be updated at the end of the month)

*We are playing fetch with the baby... with an actual dog toy. She loves it. #parentsoftheyear

*Worst night ever. Every living thing in this house conspires to keep me awake. #upsince3

I think I like this tradition so I will add the annual "Facebook Breakdown" as one of our new traditions! Hope you enjoyed a glimpse into your mama's mind throughout your first wonderful year of life!

New Year, New Mom!

Baby G, I have the worst kept secret in the world. I am currently a fat mommy.

My story begins around the age of 8-9 years old when various factors in my life sent me running for food whenever I was feeling sad or lonely. Mix in an addiction to junk food with a lack of proper boundaries when it came to portion sizes and sprinkle in hours and hours spent alone and you get a fat child, who turns into a fat teenager, who blossoms into a fat adult. I have been overweight for over 20 years and I'm only 31 years old.

My struggle with my weight has always been my "thorn in my side" because if there was ever one thing to magically change about myself, I always picked that. My weight kept me from doing things I wanted to do. I remember trying out for volleyball one year in junior high and failing to secure a position on the team. I wound up being the team manager instead. I tried out for drill team another year and I was cut in the first round. I also became the basketball manager because I knew my weight would keep me from doing well in try-outs so I didn't even try. Eventually, I knew the only real "team sport" I would be able to do was marching band. Thankfully there were no try-outs for that so they HAD to take me. *sarcasm*

I maintained my overweightedness (Made up a new word! You heard it here first!) throughout high school and really only varied my weight + or - about 10 lbs depending on the time of year (Marching band was actually good exercise so during Football season I was usually on the low end of my average weight). Looking back on that time I was actually fairly active physically, I just had issues with food and portion control. I wasn't really teased all that often about my weight in school, surprisingly. I attribute my awesome personality and my ability to be friends with nearly everyone to keeping me sheltered from a lot of the "fat hate" that kids experience in school. I was simply too nice to make fun of regularly, I guess. I had crushes, crushes were had on me, I had a lot of friends, dressed normally, and didn't really let my weight stand in the way of doing fun things.

The summer after my senior year of high school I took a waitressing job at a small greasy spoon German/American restaurant. The mixture of constant exposure to grease and oil along with the 10+ miles each day I would walk inside the restaurant turned me into a person who was exercising regularly and began to eschew greasy junk foods for fresh salads. I lost about 20 lbs over the course of the three months I worked there without even trying. I arrived at college thinner than I had been since junior high and with an exciting outlook for my future! I sought out the college Rec Center, began trying to run for the first time since childhood, and I felt AMAZING. Eventually several factors (including a 24-hour open kitchen, late night pizza/chinese food deliveries, a heavy course load, a sprained ankle, and a car accident) conspired against my new lifestyle and as time went by I began to put the weight I had lost back on and then put more on top of that. By the end of my Freshmen year, I had bypassed the Freshmen 15 and went straight for the Freshman 30. Each subsequent year saw me put more weight on top of the weight I had already amassed until, eventually, when I graduated college I weighed nearly 60 lbs more than I had in high school. 60 lbs in 4 years. Unbelievable!

You would think that would be enough of a wake-up call for me to get my ass in gear and lose the weight, right? Sort of. I dabbled in dieting over the next couple of years. I would lose 15 lbs, put 20 back on. Lose another 10, gain 5, lose that 5, then gain 10 more. When your dad and I met and got married I was back up to my post-college weight where I thought I was totally miserable. However, your dad and I both have some issues with food and portion control and together we gained even more weight. I hit my highest weight in June of 2009. I had troubles bending over to tie my shoes, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to die, and I couldn't get pregnant. A visit to the doctor confirmed that years of eating poorly and a predisposition to metabolic issues meant that I had developed Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I knew that the only way to ever have a baby would be for me to drop the weight and reverse some of the symptoms of PCOS.

I decided to enroll in the Metabolic Research Center here in town. It was the best decision I could have made! Over the course of the next 9 months I was able to lose over 100 lbs and, eventually, become pregnant (surprise!). The diet at MRC was very strict and offered little in the way of wiggle room so upon finding out I was pregnant, I went a little nutso eating all of the things I hadn't been able to eat in such a long time. Over the course of my 9 month pregnancy, I gained back about 75-80 lbs of my 100 I had lost. Ugh. Imagine how pleased I was to lose about 40 lbs in 3 weeks after birth! I figured losing the baby weight would be no big deal. I was wrong. I quickly put that 40 lbs back on because I was still eating like I was pregnant. Thinking I needed to do something, I joined the Scaledown Challenge at work and succeeded in losing 20 lbs during the 9 week program. After the program ended, I put it all back on again. I was feeling pretty helpless.

This week I made the decision that the only way I'm ever going to get this weight off once and for all is to go back to the Metabolic Research Center, lose the weight, finish the program (without getting knocked up this time!) and finally conquer my food demons. I need this for my own health, but I need it even more so I don't become a terrible example to you, Baby G. I never want you to have the problems I had/continue to have. I want you to lead a healthy life full of awesome foods, physical activity, and a strong sense of self-worth. Pretty soon you will be old enough to realize you have a fat mommy. I hope for a day where you will look back at pictures of me right now and ask me why I looked so different back then. I want you to have a mommy who goes out on the playground with you instead of sitting on the bench. I want you to WANT to be just like me... and for me to be okay with that because I'm worth patterning after.

So, it begins. I'm back at MRC, did my initial weigh-in, and started eating on plan. I go into this knowing I can do it because I did it before. In fact, my before/after pictures from the first time are prominently displayed on the walls at the center as an extra personal "hey, look at how great you looked? Don't you want to get back to that???" I'm not looking forward to people recognizing those pictures are of me and then wondering why I got so big again, but for someone like me weight will always be a struggle and I will always have my ups and downs. I haven't truly lost unless I quit fighting and as long as I have you, Baby G, I simply cannot quit fighting.

Wave goodbye to fat mommy, Baby G. Healthy mommy is on her way!